


Happy Birthday Jack

by Walkerbaby



Series: House Arrest Can Be Fun [3]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-11 14:01:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/479293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Walkerbaby/pseuds/Walkerbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Jack Birthday and that means the celebrations will be naughty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Birthday Jack

**Author's Note:**

> Once again-- not mine, they belong to the BBC but I'd really like them as a present.

Title - Happy Birthday Jack   
Series - House Arrest Can Be Fun   
Rating - M (adult humor , sexual innuendo)  
Disclaimer - Not mine, never will be. It all belongs to BBC and RTD 

"Martha," the Doctor was bouncing as she entered the console room. "We’re going to Cardiff!" 

"Pit stop?" She asked. 

"Nope," the Doctor shook his head. "It’s Jack’s birthday. We’re going to take him on a trip to celebrate." 

"Where are we going?" 

"I was thinking we could go to Gaudi 7." The Doctor bounced on his toes. 

"The art gallery planet?" The Master sneered. "Blech. Boring." 

"It is not," the Doctor protested. "They’re doing a fantastic retrospective on the Time Agent in art. I thought he might be interested." 

"Actually," Martha raised a brow. "That might not be such a good idea. Think about what it’ll do for his ego." 

"He’ll be unbearable," the Master agreed. "Half the artwork is probably Jack doing something obscene with an alien." He knew he’d won when both Martha and the Doctor shuddered. 

"Right," the Doctor shook his head distractedly then. "Someone else come up with somewhere to take Jack while I try to purge that vision from my mind’s eye." 

"Don’t ask me," the Master sulked. "The Freak still hates me." 

"You kept him chained up for a year and routinely came up with new ways to kill him," Martha retorted. 

"And?" The Master shrugged. "I chased you around the world for a year. Sworn enemies remember? You love me now." 

"Do not." 

"You so do," the Master smirked. "You just can’t get enough of me and you don’t want to admit it." 

"Get over yourself." Martha snorted. 

"Children," the Doctor broke in. "Where are we taking Jack?" 

"We’re taking the Freak no where." The Master answered. "I’m going back to my room. Have fun." 

"Probably better," the Doctor shrugged as he watched the Master’s retreating back. "That way they won’t fight the whole time." 

"Probably," Martha agreed. "Do you trust him alone in the Tardis?" 

"I’ll lock him in his cell. He won’t be able to get near the controls." 

"Right," Martha agreed. "You know Jack mentioned on that last trip we took together,"

"The one to Vegas where you left the Master and I to suffer in Imperialist Russia?" The Doctor cut in. 

"Um yeah?" 

"Jack mentioned?" The Doctor prompted and glared slightly at the cringing young woman. 

"Jack mentioned he’d always wanted to go to a planet called the Horseshoe." Martha answered. 

"The Horseshoe?" The Doctor stuttered. "We can’t take Jack to the Horseshoe!"

"Why?" Martha asked. 

"Because," the Doctor was blushing then. "Because, we just can’t. What would your mother say?" 

"What would my mother say?" Martha repeated. "Why would my mother care?" 

"It’s," the Doctor looked at her. "You don’t know what the Horseshoe is?" 

"No," Martha shook her head. 

"It’s a planet of," he made vague motions at Martha. "It’s an adult planet!" 

"An adult planet?" Martha asked. "What do you mean?" 

The Doctor reached over and hit a button on the console. "Master can you come out here for a few moments?" He pleaded into the intercom. 

"Fine," the Master sighed and Martha stood looking at a blushing and stammering Doctor until the other Time Lord arrived. "What do you want?" 

"Tell Martha we can’t take Jack to the Horseshoe for his birthday!" The Doctor announced. 

"The Horseshoe?" The Master raised an eyebrow. "Really?" 

"That’s where he told me he’d always wanted to visit." Martha said defensively. 

"So you’re going to take him?" The Master giggled. "Martha Jones can you plan my next birthday? In fact can you plan my 1000th?" 

"What is so wrong about the Horseshoe?" Martha snapped. 

"Nothing," the Master had tears leaking from the corners of his eyes now. "Not a thing. It’s just," he giggled again. "It’s a planet full of strip bars." 

"Oh," Martha put her hands on her hips and looked between the two Time Lords. "So? The problem with this?" 

"Martha!" The Doctor exclaimed.

"What? We’re all adults here aren’t we?" She looked at the Time Lords again. "Ok, so you two aren’t more than adolescents most days but you are supposed to be adults. Try to act like it. So are we going to Cardiff or not?" 

"Martha!" The Doctor retorted. "You can’t be serious!" 

"Let’s ask Jack," Martha replied. "If Jack says it’s ok that I go on this little boys club excursion then I’m going. It could be a learning experience. You need to quit being such a prude." 

Six hours later found the Doctor and the Master staring at each other across the chess board, drinking Barcelonian beer. "I can’t believe they dumped you," the Master snickered. "Were you that big of a prude?" 

"I don’t think they realized," the Doctor defended. "I mean, I get up to go to the washroom and," 

"And?" The Master prompted. 

"Well Martha was on the top of some table dancing with two girls," the Doctor swallowed. "Um, at least I think it was dancing, and Jack had two other girls on his lap and he was taking shots of something green that smoked out of one of them’s cleavage. When I get back I can’t find either of them." 

"Sounds like the Horseshoe hasn’t changed then," the Master shrugged. "Knight to pawn four." 

"You’ve been there?" The Doctor asked scandalized. 

"Went with Romana once," the Master nodded. "Right out of the Academy. She claimed it was an anthropological study." 

"You didn’t invite me?" The Doctor accused. 

"Don’t look at me," the Master answered as he stared at the Doctor’s last move. "Romana said you’d just be a drag. Claimed you were too repressed to do a proper study." 

"Too repressed?" 

"Better for you," the Master said soothingly. 

"How?" 

"I ended up with a really nasty infection," the Master admitted. "Burned when I peed for weeks. Romana was less interested in providing a cure than she was in studying the social effects it had on my personal life." 

"Why am I not surprised?" The Doctor laughed. "That’s Romana for you." 

"Yeah, have I mentioned I don’t miss her?" 

"No but I think I understand why." The Doctor agreed. "She was a bit of a handful." 

"A bit?" The Master smirked as he moved his queen. "Checkmate." 

"Crap," the Doctor sighed. "Another game?" 

"Since we’re playing the waiting parents I guess so," the Master nodded. "So which one of us gets to say ‘I’m so disappointed in you’? I want to tell her she’s grounded. How about ‘go to your room’? Or even better," the Master smirked again. "How about ‘go to my room’?" 

"I get to say I’m disappointed," the Doctor answered with a grin of his own. "You can ground her though. Take away her dinner and telephone privileges if you like but I get to send her to her room." 

"Deal," the Master agreed, sticking his hand out. As the Doctor took it he heard the main door of the Tardis creak open and the sounds of female giggling and Jacks’ booming tenor. 

"They’re home," he announced. 

"Let’s go be parental," the Master snickered. 

They scurried into the console room and prepared to look like disappointed superior beings and were stopped short. "Um," the Doctor stuttered. 

"Can we ground at least one of the extra’s to my room?" The Master whispered as he stared at the group of scantily dressed young women surrounding Jack fawningly, Martha included. 

"Hello Doctor!" Jack waved drunkenly. "Martha met some lovely ladies and they’ve decided to come back to the Tardis and help me celebrate my birthday!" 

"Really?" The Doctor asked. "Do you really think that’s a good idea?" 

"It’s an excellent idea!" Jack nodded. Turning he looked at the women surrounding him. "Ladies," he swallowed and seemed to wobble. "My room is this way!" He pointed his finger imperiously in the direction of the bedrooms. 

"Right Captain Harkness," one of them agreed as the girls half dragged, half carried Jack in the direction he was pointing. The Doctor and the Master watched as Martha and two of the girls hung back instead, their arms wrapped around each other’s waists. Martha leaned her head down to whisper into one of the girl’s ears and they all had a quiet consultation before following at their own pace. 

"Where are you going?" The Doctor asked when he finally found his voice again. 

"To celebrate Jack’s birthday?" Martha smiled and from the way she blinked both Time Lords could tell she was more than a little drunk herself. "Just a little more privately." 

He looked over at the Master as she and the two other women sauntered down the hallway and away from them. "Where are you going?" He asked as the smaller Time Lord started to follow. 

"To be a responsible parent," the Master said with a determined nod and started to loosen his tie. "I’m going to go ground her to her room and as the responsible adult that I am I feel it necessary to keep watch and make sure she stays there." 

"Master!" The Doctor cried out as he followed along behind. "Master! I’m being serious. What are you doing?" 

"Look," the Master swung around. "There are three options here that I can see. One I can try to wheedle my way into the Freak’s room. Not very likely and," he shuddered then. "Not something I really want to contemplate once I’m there. Two I can stay out here with you and let the humans have all the fun." He shook his head. "Not exactly a thrilling choice either. Or three, I can go to Martha’s room and try to talk my way in there. Opposing parts gives me some glimmer of a chance there." 

"Opposing parts?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow. 

"You know!" The Master rolled his eyes. "Male parts, female parts? That room has three sets of female parts in there and no male parts. We, well I, should volunteer to remedy that deficiency." 

"You are almost as unbelievable as Jack," the Doctor sighed as he followed the Master down the hallway. "Master! Master! Be serious! We can’t be well you know," the Doctor stammered. 

"I know? You know what don’t tell me," the Master answered. "For once ignorance is bliss. I don’t want to know." 

They stopped outside Martha’s door and the Master reached for the latch. Pushing it he found resistance. Muffled giggles could be heard through the door. "She’s locked the door!" The Master hissed. 

"Serves you right," the Doctor said smugly and tried not to focus on the sounds coming from the other room. The walls weren’t thin and he had to wonder if perhaps the Tardis was amplifying the sounds just to drive him and the Master mad. He looked over as the other Time Lord slid onto the ground, cross legged and put his ear to the door. 

"What are you doing?" The Doctor hissed. 

"What we were taught at the Academy," the Master smiled. "Observing the universe to the utmost of my capabilities." 

The Doctor just shook his head and slid onto the floor across the doorway from the Master and put his head in his hands. "Don’t you think it’s just a bit sad?" He asked despairingly. 

"What?" The Master shrugged. 

"We’re Time Lords. This is our ship." 

"Our ship?" The Master asked. 

"Well my ship but we’re sharing it while you’re under house arrest since you don’t have one of your own." The Doctor amended. 

"Oh of course," the Master agreed. "Continue." 

"Anyway, we’re Time Lords. It’s our ship. The whole of Time and Space at our fingertips," he shook his head. "And the humans are busy going at it like Necrosian rabbits while we’re stuck here with each other." 

"Don’t even suggest it," the Master shook his finger. 

"What?" The Doctor looked at him. "Oh, no! No, really wasn’t suggesting it." He shuddered. "Don’t even go there. I was just saying it’s sort of wrong. They’re living it up and we’re playing each other in chess." 

"Only because we choose to," the Master said loftily. "Besides we’re much better company for each other than the humans are currently with." 

"Oh of course," the Doctor nodded. "Much better company. More intellectual. Much more fulfilling." 

"Right," the Master agreed glumly. 

"Sure," the Doctor agreed. "Want a drink?" 

"Yeah," the Master nodded. "Why not? Another game? I’ve only beaten you 98 times tonight. Let’s make it an even 100." 

"Master," the Doctor asked as they made their way back to the console room. 

"Hmm?" 

"Does it suck to be us?" 

"Sometimes," the Master agreed. "Right now for instance." 

"Yeah," the Doctor nodded. "Guess you’re right." 

"You know," the Master’s shoulders slumped. "Right now that’s not even the boost I thought it would be." 


End file.
